ive been home for a couple of days now.
i am so full i feel like im going to burst and that ive learned nothing about balance during my days in china.
binge eating= positive.
feeling gross= positive.
I miss things but not to that much of an extreme. im really enjoying sitting on my ass not doing anything. it may seem kind of sad, but im completely satisfied. i always felt that there were two sides of me. theres a side of me thats so excitable and always moving, doing something, bored easily, party girl, restless, out of control. then theres this side of me thats so relaxed, lazy, content and calm. i feel like i havent seen that side all throughout hong kong, or its been rare that ive been doing absolutely nothing. i missed just sitting at home.. eating, watching tv, doing nothing but thinking and contemplating. these couple of days ive gotten to do that and im really enjoying myself.
school starts in like 2 weeks and its such a scary thought! then again, i dont wanna be home for that long cause i know ill get really bored so im pretty glad im going back. i get to see lindsay which is cool but i dont really know how its gonna be like to see her again. i hate this whole international crew at GW and im afraid thats what im gonna be stuck with especially with sarah-ignacio and lindsay-obsession with euros. I need to make a name for myself and find a niche that I connect with. If i dont find it, i cant just stay at GW and waste my parents money and my last year of college. i need to go somewhere else. i will not be bound by these walls.
Wow hk has taught me so much. first off, and most importantly, i learned not to be so judgmental.. which has taught me so much. i feel as though i can laugh and be happy carefree now. before i would almost suppress my happiness because of fear. i dont know why but i was so trapped inside of my own thoughts and was turning into a cold person. HK and the people ive met have really helped me to release myself and be confident of who i am. i hope for the best and that myself will continue to shine and glow and exist. Most importantly, i feel as though my creativity has taken an out of control boost. I feel rich in ideas and thoughts all the time and now I can say whatever I feel and know that I am different and embrace this difference. I was always scared of being weird but weird is unique and different and its what makes us people.
what really helped me learn to be free .. was this experience. If i could describe it in one word it would be: freedom. freedom from obligations, family, previous friends and relationships, free from my past, free from my future, free from everything that was before. I didnt have a care in the world there was nothing to fucking worry about! Now i come back and I still feel free in a way because there is something so liberating about knowing how big the world is. Its sad to shelter yourself in a town/area/clique so small... when there are so many other people and beautiful places to exert your energy into out in the world. last night i saw ro and she was name dropping again about some kid that i had never heard of and it was just so sad. she represents everything that I have learned to stray from and I dont know how to be friends with someone like that. yea, there will always be someone like that and I guess i just need to be more considerate of people who arent given the opportunities of travel that I am.
im really happy right now.