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morning scribbles [11 Jun 2012|09:17am]
didn't sleep a wink last night.

now i'm sitting here watching the wonder years left to question childhood.

everyone is so happy as a child. why is this? innocence? is it because we just started our lives and everything looks bright and beautiful and exciting and then once we get used to it it gets old? just like everything else in life?

i started getting sick of life at a pretty young age. probably around 20. except when i was abroad and things were new and exciting i was happy. and thats the last time i was truly happy.

im like stuck in this cocoon thats my dark room and so unhappy. i need to get a job but when i had a job in HK i wasn't happy. i don't even know what I love.

why can't things be bright and happy again. why am i so uncomfortable in my own skin. nobody warns you about your twenties. 
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The Wonder Years [06 Nov 2011|11:15pm]
When you're a little kid you're a little bit of everything. Artist, scientist, athlete, scholar...
Sometimes it seems like growing up is the process of giving those things up one by one

I guess we all have one thing we regret giving up
One thing we really miss, that we gave up because we were too lazy, because we couldn't stick it out, or because we were afraid...
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[01 Jul 2010|10:33am]
Yesterday was my 22nd Birthday. Time flies like the wind and I got teary eyed during dinner when my parents conversed about the quickness of life. I realized that since I was in middle school when I first cried at the beauty of my birthday, there is something subconscious in me that makes me sad on each additional birthday. Birthdays make me sad because I feel remorse for my mother, who has done and continues to give me so much unconditional love. I feel as though my selfish self takes all that she gives without enough thanks because I know and am used to her giving me everything she can no matter how old I get or what mistakes I make.

For my birthday, sarah threw me a party at her new apartment, I went to dinner with my family and last night I hung out with friends and went to a bar down the street. Old high school friends sat together in a circle and I thought to myself that I couldnt believe we were all still good, if not better friends.
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start of summer [21 May 2009|02:37pm]
I've been home for the second week now and i'm enjoying the laziness.
i've been doing nothing but lying watching tv eating and sleeping and its really great.
but i need to get my life started by next week and i'm excited to get up and going.

can't wait to get an internship. hope i get that advertising one.
internship + summer classes + my friends in the city + turning 21 = fun summer?
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of course the night brings out the best in me... melatonin and ignacio's pills dont hurt either [20 Apr 2009|02:01am]
[ mood | cloudy ]

A dream that I must document: This night I had just eaten like 4 slices of pizza and more before bed and had a hard time sleeping/digesting/ bad time.
During this difficult sleep I had a really vivid dream that scared the shit out of me I couldn't go back to bed.

The dream took place in a home, not ours currently. I had walked angrily up the stairs because I had eaten so much so I was angry with myself. Then I was sitting with unni talking quietly to her and saw appa's face kept looking at me. At first I ignored it and jsut kept talking to unni but then i'd be like yes? Whats wrong appa? And he asked me what was wrong and I said nothing. He said it seemed like I was angry when I walked in but I said it was just because I ate a lot of food. I don't think he believed me. Its fuzzy from here but I know we had an argument.
Near the end of the dream appa went into the kitchen, took out a knife and stabbed himself in the stomach. The first move I took after that was to run to the phone in my mom's room and wake up mom while calling 911. I screamed in umma's face "WAKE UP APPA JUST STABBED HIMSELF IN THE STOMACH!"

This dream scares the shit out of me because it was so vivid. I remember it so clearly and it happened out of nowhere.
It also scares the shit out of me because I know it can happen.  And I would feel as though it were my fault.

I looked up this dream even though I didn't have to. I know what it means entirely.
The issue is: will i do something about it? and I will.

I'm feeling extremely stuck here in DC. I don't feel like Im supposed to be here i feel like i should be doing bigger and better things. Im sick of partying its not that exciting anymore. I want to heal myself. I want to be so busy learning and registering input that I dont have time to think about all of my badhabits and insecurities. I want to make my family happy.
Stressing here about grades is a never ending cycle. Graduating 3.5 is something that must be done but its stress is overbearing.
I don't want to feel like I could have gone back and done better. Except I feel it sometimes now.

I don't appreciate and give love to my family as much as I should. I feel selfish and depressed. 

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[27 Dec 2008|11:36am]
[ mood | happy ]

 ive been home for a couple of days now.
i am so full i feel like im going to burst and that ive learned nothing about balance during my days in china.
binge eating= positive.
feeling gross= positive.

I miss things but not to that much of an extreme. im really enjoying sitting on my ass not doing anything. it may seem kind of sad, but im completely satisfied. i always felt that there were two sides of me. theres a side of me thats so excitable and always moving, doing something, bored easily, party girl, restless, out of control. then theres this side of me thats so relaxed, lazy, content and calm. i feel like i havent seen that side all throughout hong kong, or its been rare that ive been doing absolutely nothing. i missed just sitting at home.. eating, watching tv, doing nothing but thinking and contemplating. these couple of days ive gotten to do that and im really enjoying myself.

school starts in like 2 weeks and its such a scary thought! then again, i dont wanna be home for that long cause i know ill get really bored so im pretty glad im going back. i get to see lindsay which is cool but i dont really know how its gonna be like to see her again. i hate this whole international crew at GW and im afraid thats what im gonna be stuck with especially with sarah-ignacio and lindsay-obsession with euros. I need to make a name for myself and find a niche that I connect with. If i dont find it, i cant just stay at GW and waste my parents money and my last year of college. i need to go somewhere else. i will not be bound by these walls.

Wow hk has taught me so much. first off, and most importantly, i learned not to be so judgmental.. which has taught me so much. i feel as though i can laugh and be happy carefree now. before i would almost suppress my happiness because of fear. i dont know why but i was so trapped inside of my own thoughts and was turning into a cold person. HK and the people ive met have really helped me to release myself and be confident of who i am. i hope for the best and that myself will continue to shine and glow and exist. Most importantly, i feel as though my creativity has taken an out of control boost. I feel rich in ideas and thoughts all the time and now I can say whatever I feel and know that I am different and embrace this difference. I was always scared of being weird but weird is unique and different and its what makes us people.

what really helped me learn to be free .. was this experience. If i could describe it in one word it would be: freedom. freedom from obligations, family, previous friends and relationships, free from my past, free from my future, free from everything that was before. I didnt have a care in the world there was nothing to fucking worry about! Now i come back and I still feel free in a way because there is something so liberating about knowing how big the world is. Its sad to shelter yourself in a town/area/clique so small... when there are so many other people and beautiful places to exert your energy into  out in the world. last night i saw ro and she was name dropping again about some kid that i had never heard of and it was just so sad. she represents everything that I have learned to stray from and I dont know how to be friends with someone like that. yea, there will always be someone like that and I guess i just need to be more considerate of people who arent given the opportunities of travel that I am.

im really happy right now.

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time flies. [15 Nov 2008|12:24pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Its been four months. Holy shit does time fly.
Im in HK right now and its everything+ that ive imagine. Its hard to grasp success and know once youve achieved it. People set goals for themselves to be this and that but once theyve gotten to that point, they are too busy trying to achieve their new goals. Well thats what im like. Reading on past entries I can say that ive done pretty well. Ive met some pretty amazing people that have definitely impact my life and that i will grow from.

I think about ridgewood and how i miss my girls but i know once i get home i will be so bored. there wil be nothing to do and i will miss the excitement and hustlebustle of hong kong. this is a city i can see myself living in. new york is great, i will prob live there once i graduate but it lacks the intimacy that hk does.

thinking about going back to gw is so strange. i will be a changed person and in an environment that has remained the same. at least i have say to go through this with. she is someone that i am growing with at a parallel rate. its a beautiful thing.

i start working fulltime tommorow at ogilvy. its the best fucking advertising agency in the world and im so happy/lucky/feel that this is meant to be.
goals set for ogilvy:
-work like ive never worked before.
-give them above and beyond their needs.
-meet a hot businessman. HAAA

leaving HK in 5 weeks. so weird. gonna miss everything so much. dont want to sleep... dont want to spend my time here half conscious.
i WILL come back.

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Nostalgism & Music [17 May 2004|11:09pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

Someday reminds me of the summer last year when I only went to 3 classes in the afternoon. It makes me feel.. im not so sure how it makes me feel. Its amazing. Music is the only thing that makes you experience this feeling. Thus, i love music.

To everything, turn turn turn [02 May 2004|06:59pm]
To everything
There is a season
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything
There is a season
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything
There is a season
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything
There is a season
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late

who do you love when you come undone? [28 Apr 2004|05:41pm]
[ mood | high ]

"hey child, stay wilder than the wind and blow me in to cry
who do you need
who do you love
when you come undone?"

ive come to the conclusion that i live for these and only these things:
sex and the city, food, laughter, and music.
that is my pathetic life.

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New Journal [25 Mar 2004|09:12pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

This is my new journal because peacetablets time is overrr
Friends Only, comment to be added <3 thanks

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