During this difficult sleep I had a really vivid dream that scared the shit out of me I couldn't go back to bed.
The dream took place in a home, not ours currently. I had walked angrily up the stairs because I had eaten so much so I was angry with myself. Then I was sitting with unni talking quietly to her and saw appa's face kept looking at me. At first I ignored it and jsut kept talking to unni but then i'd be like yes? Whats wrong appa? And he asked me what was wrong and I said nothing. He said it seemed like I was angry when I walked in but I said it was just because I ate a lot of food. I don't think he believed me. Its fuzzy from here but I know we had an argument.
Near the end of the dream appa went into the kitchen, took out a knife and stabbed himself in the stomach. The first move I took after that was to run to the phone in my mom's room and wake up mom while calling 911. I screamed in umma's face "WAKE UP APPA JUST STABBED HIMSELF IN THE STOMACH!"
This dream scares the shit out of me because it was so vivid. I remember it so clearly and it happened out of nowhere.
It also scares the shit out of me because I know it can happen. And I would feel as though it were my fault.
I looked up this dream even though I didn't have to. I know what it means entirely.
The issue is: will i do something about it? and I will.
I'm feeling extremely stuck here in DC. I don't feel like Im supposed to be here i feel like i should be doing bigger and better things. Im sick of partying its not that exciting anymore. I want to heal myself. I want to be so busy learning and registering input that I dont have time to think about all of my badhabits and insecurities. I want to make my family happy.
Stressing here about grades is a never ending cycle. Graduating 3.5 is something that must be done but its stress is overbearing.
I don't want to feel like I could have gone back and done better. Except I feel it sometimes now.
I don't appreciate and give love to my family as much as I should. I feel selfish and depressed.